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A Pumpkin or A Crowded Velvet Cushion

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A Pumpkin or A Crowded Velvet Cushion

Good Morning Friday. I’m feeling groggy; my dreams had me all over the place.

This past week, I started re-watching Sex in The City for the umpteenth time. As Steve’s walking away in the rain, Miranda chases him down and says, “Maybe I can believe?” It brought tears to my eyes.

Can I believe? Can I believe in love again? It’s been almost a year since Jason and I broke up. Or rather since I broke up with him.

In all honesty, I miss him, but also, I don’t. It’s not because there wasn’t love between us, but because I do enjoy being with ‘myself.’ Am I meant to be alone? Is that such a bad thing? I’m not sure? So much good has happened since the break –up. Yet I wonder if intimacy is a hard thing for me to commit to.

In high school, I once overheard one boy telling another boy, “He’s a loner!” They were talking about me; I felt ashamed about it, as if they knew my darkest of secrets. For a few years afterwards, I wondered about it. I’m still wondering about it.

While in college, I realized that being able to be with myself was a beautiful thing; I enjoyed my own company. I enjoyed running alone; I enjoyed eating dinner alone, and going to movies alone.

"I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion." ~Henry David Thoreau

Is this a sign? Am I destined to live alone for the rest of my years? I’m not sure, but I do have a great time and luckily I have so many beautiful people in my life that I get to share the best of me.

The piece here is titled “Her Birdie.” I love the simplicity of this Little Girl. In writing about being alone, this one feels appropriate. Because even though I can be alone, I don't feel lonely. But if love comes back, I will make room on my pumpkin.

Enjoy you and everyone around; we're all here together!