On The Verge of a Break Down

WOWZA! It’s another beautiful day in LA! I’m just getting in from a very long morning walk and feeling grateful.

Just last week on a very late Thursday night on February 23rd I was, as Digby at work would say, “becoming unglued.” I was on the verge of a real life breakdown. It happened quite unexpectedly and it didn’t play out like a quirky Pedro Almodovar movie. Instead, I sat alone in my bedroom sobbing in the dark. If anyone had seen me, I may have just won an Oscar for Best Lead Actor in a Real Life Mini Drama.


The following morning, I didn’t know quite what to expect. Feeling groggy from emotion, I picked up my Deepak Chopra book and I read something about the ‘ego dying.” As I went on my morning walk, I wondered if this is what had happened the night before. Because as I sat on my bed looking at my hands, my arms, this body I call Ricky, I saw life going on without ‘me.’ Millions of lives had passed before me and soon, so would I. As I looked around my apartment, at all my belongings, including my artwork, I felt nothing, as if absolutely nothing mattered. I felt broken!

Yet during my walk, life felt strangely beautiful. I felt alive and broken at the same time. Though it’s already been over a week I still feel the dryness of tears around my eyes and I can’t quite grasp or explain exactly what happened. I have a feeling that I won’t be forgetting that night anytime soon, possibly never. I don’t see life being the same again, and yet I’m still here willing to keep my eyes and every part of me open. I surrender.

The piece here is titled, “Broken.” I did it just this morning as a symbol to what I felt that night. Life will go. And as for now, I’m hungry and I’m going to take it one little step at a time. I’ve said it many times before, but as Helen Keller said, “The best way out is always through.” And so instead of breaking down, I will break through.

p.s. after months of NOT painting, I've started yet again.

Enjoy the weekend and every day to come.